Love Yourself

Recently I’ve kind of been in this funk with myself and I haven’t really been letting myself talk about it. I’ve written about anxiety and insecurities before but lately I feel like I have been my biggest struggle physically and mentally. My biggest issue at this point in my life is the way I beat myself up for anything and everything; going as far as insecurities. Even for the littlest things I make myself over think and feel bad about myself. Which kind of goes into my biggest struggle physically, my appearance and need for approval. Even though I don’t need anyone’s approval besides my own, I allow myself to think I’m not good enough. Which is a major ‘no-no’ for any girl / woman because no one should ever feel “not good enough.” 

Every month I try to set these goals for myself; like eating healthier or working out however many times a week. I never seem to follow through with these so called goals and I always find myself talking down on myself. Instead of beating myself up I should be trying to motivate myself right? But how? Sometimes it’s harder to push yourself rather than just letting it go and not working towards your goal. I have even caught myself working towards these goals for someone else rather than myself. I’ve caught myself mid-workout, wanting to take a break but instead pushing through it because of what someone else would think or say. That’s one of the things I get so upset with myself for, because I’m working out for me not for anyone else and I seem to never realize it. I know that people tell me ‘you have a nice body’ or ‘you look really good’ but it doesn’t always mean that’s how I feel. I understand that I don’t have the worst body but the way people see me isn’t always how I see myself. I used to be really skinny and some people can say I didn’t look healthy, I personally cannot talk about eating disorders or anything along the lines because I have never dealt with something like that. However, just because I was skinny doesn’t mean that I wasn’t happy OR upset with the way I looked. I simply, didn’t notice. I just thought I looked fine, or “normal.” I grew up playing sports; soccer, softball, cheerleading and I was always petite. So because I was always very active and busy I didn't spend much time thinking about my weight or insecurities. My mom sent me some old pictures today and I was more shocked about how skinny I used to be, rather than remembering that moment in life. I couldn’t look beyond the fact of how my body was shaped and I never realized at that time in my life how small I was.

I can honestly say in high school I felt completely content with myself. I didn’t feel too skinny and because of the constant working out from sports I played. I seemed to stay small. I think one of the biggest reasons I was content with the way I looked was because I had absolutely no one to impress but myself. I mean don’t get me wrong, I was a teenage girl in high school so of course I tried my best to look pretty or dress nice and stay in shape. I just thought since I liked the way I looked, everyone else did too. I felt pride when I said I wore a double zero I thought that because I was so small my whole life I needed to stay that skinny / small forever. A couple months after high school is when I officially met Chris, and oh boy that’s a whole other story to tell but anyways.. Chris was the first and only man that ever made me feel like I was worth more than I thought. You know the saying “he swept me off my feet” well I definitely feel like that saying can be 100% true. After being with Chris for a couple months is when I started to gain weight. In a good way though.. I started to fill into my clothes, and actually have some meat on my body. It wasn’t until after I gained weight that I finally realized how small I was.

The other day I was looking at myself in the mirror while in a bathingsuit suit and I didn’t like the way I looked I kind of started talking badly about myself. Telling myself I need to diet, eat healthier and start working out again. In that moment is when I started to feel panicked; for some odd reason I felt like I needed to be smaller in size and I kept using the word “jiggly.” When Chris got home he obviously pointed out that I had nothing to be insecure about and he loved me no matter what. 

I’m so grateful to have changed and grown into the woman I am today, I’m so blessed where I’m at in life and knowing I have so much more ahead of me, I couldn’t be happier. Chris has helped me so much with my insecurities and reassured me that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes you have to embrace what you have though. I’m not a huge fan of eating healthy, cause girl let me tell you I love my chips and salsa but there has to be a line that I draw for myself and I think I’ve learned that the hard way. I know exactly how it feels to feel too skinny and to feel like your tummy pudge is too big but I have to learn to be happy with who I am and what I’m made of. Insecurities will never go away and I know that, but being happy is way more important. So no matter how big or small you are learn to love yourself because you’re the judge of your own body and as long as you love yourself no one else matters. 

I know this is totally cliché and I’m saying the same stuff every other girl / inspiration / icon says but I just wanted to say it in my words with my story. Love yo self girl. Happy Blogging. Xoxo.