My Kinny

"When someone is pregnant, she is not 'expecting a child' she already has one. She is not 'going to be a mother' she already is a mother. The baby is not 'on the way,' the baby has already arrived."

-Frank Pavone

You know how people normally say once you find out you’re pregnant you’re a mom? I agree with that 100% because everything from that point on, you have to think, 'is this effecting my baby?' Even though this is something I agree with, when I was pregnant, sometimes I didn't feel like I was. Honestly sometimes I forgot I was pregnant; not physically because I mean, BELLY, but emotionally. It somehow didn't feel real to me, I guess it just hadn't hit me yet.

About two weeks before having Kins I felt so emotional and more than I was used to. My soon to be born baby girl had the hiccups. I had never felt them before so it was my first time I felt and recognized what that feeling was. Right there is when I thought it hit me, I was so close to becoming a mom, I knew I was going to have a little sidekick, a best friend. Someone was coming into this world that I was going to love more than anything I’ve loved before, and even though I loved her so much already, I knew the moment I heard her cry or the moment I touched her skin, the feeling was going to intensify. 

It's so crazy that our bodies are able to create, carry, birth, and feed an actual human being. It makes me feel so strong as a woman that my body was made for this. 

I knew I had always wanted to be a mom and make someone’s little eyes light up. Even though I knew becoming a mom was everything I had ever dreamed of, I did have my doubts. Sometimes I would get scared or worried that I wasn’t 100% ready; but I suppose the common saying “no one is ever ready or fully prepared” is true. To this day, having a four week old baby I still get anxious that I’m not ready. I'm constantly thinking, what's going to happen next? when do I need to change this routine? how do I know when she needs something specific? I think having a good support system really helped me and kind of keeps positive thoughts in my mind. I know there will be times where I challenge and criticize myself but it’s all a learning process. She’s getting used to being in this world, I’m getting used to having a newborn baby and we’re both getting used to each other. 

A few nights ago, Chris, Kins and I were getting ready for bed. I had just fed her and was getting ready to lay her down next to chris and again, I thought it hit me. It’s funny because even just a few weeks into this journey we already have a schedule. Bathe her, feed her, burp her, change her, bed time. Chris and I made a tiny human and now we’re taking care of her, we’re responsible for a life. Any-who, I laid her down next to Chris and within a few minutes they were both asleep. I was sitting in bed on my phone and out of nowhere she jumped in her sleep and started crying, my guess is she had the infamous “falling of a cliff” dream. Who knows, what do babies even dream about? I quickly grabbed her not realizing how natural my maternal instinct kicked in. I sat there holding her tight and I caught myself whispering to her “mommy’s here, mommy’s here, don’t be scared.” It makes me tear up just typing this because like I said I thought it hit me in that moment. I felt so in love with her and proud of myself because I felt like such a good mom just by saying those words to her. 

I don’t think it will ever fully hit me because there are going to be so many moments where I think I can’t love her anymore than I already do. Maybe it'll hit me when she starts to crawl, or walk, or maybe when she starts calling me 'mommy.' It just amazes me so much all the things she's learning and how much she's growing. As a mom, I try to enjoy every moment as it happens, because in the future all these moments will be such small memories. I don't want to spend all my time waiting for the milestones that are eventually going to happen. Becoming a mother changes so much, I'm still 100% myself but in a better way. Each day that passes, I learn something new about her, and about myself. Every moment is so precious to me, watching her grow and caring for her. There’s going to be so many more memories that are so special and in each moment I will think it has finally hit me, but each step that Kins and I take together, will be so much better than the last. 

As I sit here rocking her, singing the same song I sung to her when she was in my belly, watching her little eyes roll and get heavy, this is the moment I feel like her mom. I think It has finally hit me, sitting here holding my precious baby, crying to myself. She is mine, she is half of me, she is everything in my eyes.